at 2am,
I look across the gap between apartments and see windows with the lights on. hello, I think. you are like me. o/ - Atlas
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& it comes around
again. maybe I expect too much of myself too quickly. I could fill page after page with Chinese characters and never expect myself to become a master. & yet with other things I could attempt it thrice and declare myself hopeless. if I cannot be a master at least let me be a good student. although I cannot fathom who I am asking for permission (or guidance) - Atlas sometimes I feel like a little girl in a spaceship
watching the door to her escape pod close, stuffed animal in one hand, the other placed against the glass. she is looking at the only home that she has ever known. she is on one side and her family is on the other. and then the pod detaches. hm - Atlas you cannot truly expect
to get it all right on the first try. that is not how this works. but some things were better. some things were learned. some things will need to be learned again, and again. it's okay. you are messy and human. you do not have to overcome these things. it is enough to live through them. I don't know if this makes sense - Atlas WHO KNOWS!
the world is bright and full of mystery. and we are still here, together. how unlikely, how miraculous. the only lottery I ever really cared about winning. hm - Atlas success is as dangerous as failure.
ah, I see it now. not just the ego. the belief --the expectation-- of others, of myself, to pull off miracles again, and again, and again. good work begets more work. there are worse problems to have, but it's still a problem (at least if you don't have a lot of practice saying "no" to things) - Atlas twenty-one years of wonder.
twenty-one years with you, with all of you. I am still me but I have changed also, in ways I could not have predicted. who knows what changes will be next? but I am so happy and grateful to be here, especially with you. thank you - Atlas I want to be
what you see in me. & tho I know I cannot and should not life my life chasing expectations, your dreams and mine align. and you look at me like they are possible. hm - Atlas I know it won’t make the abyss go away,
but could you hold my hand? I’m so scared, I need a guide, please, someone tell me what’s going on. tell me what to do. tell me there’s still something I can do. today was actually a very good day but there were a few Moments where I looked at the future without limiting the scope of my view & got overwhelmed - Atlas I'm falling short,
again again again. I'm picking myself off the ground, again again again. I'm trying again again again. I'm trying again again again. I'm trying again again again hm - Atlas |
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