I, too
would like to be real. with all the joy and struggles that entails. I will remind myself of this when the jaws close in. when my heart beats against the knife at my throat. when my chest is broken open. hmm hmm - Atlas
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I have cut our beating, bleeding hearts apart
so many times trying to figure out what happened. who’s to blame. “lack of communication” sounds so clinical. but these days I feel compelled to perform autopsies less and less, because I am alive and I am surrounded by so many lovely living things. and however much my heart aches for your closeness, for your distance, I hope you feel the same. learning how to trust myself again - Atlas waves of pain
can overcome even the most rational thinking. & yet somehow it is often far too easy to assume otherwise bleh, headaches - Atlas friendship really
snuck up on me, I wasn't expecting it to be like this at all. today I committed a banana heist in the dining hall because I have people worth stealing bananas for. and I wouldn't trade it for the world - Atlas it's the same song
in a different key. maybe it's progress. maybe in a few notes we'll just be back where we started. stay tuned, I'll let you know. tired - Atlas gregory, the cellar spider
has chosen a much more hospitable perch than the bottom of the shower. he is currently tucked into a corner near the door. I am glad to see him, I did not know where he was for a few days and though I did not fear him I did think he'd moved on. he is a good roommate, we keep our distance. hm - Atlas everything is happening
all at once, I can't tell if I'm doing better or worse. but I am trying, and I will keep trying, and that is a thing in and of itself. hm - Atlas occasionally I am struck by thoughts like
you have a skull. one day you won't be using it anymore, and if you leave it alone for long enough someday it will be empty. I am not sure how to respond to those thoughts. I let them drift into the ether like a leaf on a wave, like a brain in a skull. hrm - Atlas some days it seems
I cannot escape the pulsing call to do it all, do it right do it on the first try I am reaching towards the sky, asking for a little more time. but the sky makes no reply. hm - Atlas thank you, thank you, thank you.
I have such wonderful friends. and so many of them! and yet I still remember how permanent loneliness feels. if you are my past or future self, a friend, a wandering, welcome stranger-- I want you to know that it isn't. hm - Atlas |
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