but what if the world changes before we're ready
what then, what then how do you deal with the loss of something you never expected to lose-- or is it simply to not expect anything, to land where you land when the world crumbles beneath your feet and begin the slow trudge back up? bleh - Atlas
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there are times when you seem happy,
confident in your choices and surrounded by friends I admire you then but there are also times when every word you say to me feels backhanded or degrading and I cannot decide if you are looking down on me or seeing me as some kind of threat I'd call it an accident if it was once or twice but this was like. 6 times in a short conversation - Atlas it is always so difficult to tell
am I growing or am I breaking? or am I simply jumping at shadows I cannot seem to tell the difference anymore. hyperawareness can be less than pleasant sometimes - Atlas but I am tired,
and my mind has begun to reach towards unkind things first and pleasant things second so I think it is time to go to bed. sometimes when you're tired you get irritated a lot more easily - Atlas I am not afraid of death, per se
but I am afraid of dying of watching myself or someone else break down slowly, parts falling away or losing their ability to function as a doctor lists the process out, step by step in the same professional manner as a nature documentary or crime show. "...and the brain begins to stop functioning due to the loss of oxygen," they say thinking of textbooks and guidebooks and saving lives but I am caught up in the image of my thoughts losing shape-- someone is speaking but language seems so hard to grasp-- there is a name for this color but I have forgotten it-- suddenly I am six years old, playing with, who am I playing with-- () boy oh boy, this one is all over the place - Atlas I want to write
something new I want to write the story I've been looking for my whole life but have only ever found in variations well. not exactly but sort of - Atlas sometimes all I can do is hope
that you will forgive the mistakes I make as I attempt to become someone worthy of your patience sometimes I am afraid that you will leave before I can prove to you I've changed - Atlas and maybe the point is not
being able to prove that the embers existed or their grand influence upon some celestial design or the air currents that carried them on their upwards journey maybe the point is to let the embers be embers and appreciate them while you can. thoughts on the Existential Pie (wherein things are fine while you pay attention to small things, you zoom out a bit and suddenly you're going to die and so is everyone you love and your existence will be entirely forgotten, and then you finally zoom out one more time and you're just a beautiful coincidence who gets to enjoy your statistically-improbable existence) - Atlas we are companions,
you and I we have been together for so long that sometimes I forget the edges between your joy and mine my sweetest friend - Atlas I suppose it is always easy to find the words
for melancholy. upon the smooth surface of a life the bumps and ridges catch the mind's eye in a way that the less textured parts do not but there is worth, I think in taking the time to examine the grain of the wood as well as simply the pattern engraved upon it. hm - Atlas |
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